Tuesday, 11 January 2011

No more recruitment lady

I had been getting emails from this lady at a recruitment company who was clearly infatuated with me. She knew my penchant for casual staffing arrangements and therefore set about wooing me with her plethora of casual labourers. All kinds of workers were offered to me over a period of weeks and I eventually succumbed and replied to one of her lust imbued emails. Typically the moment I wrote she clammed up and I have not heard from her since. I include our short but memorable correspondence below:

Hi Sam,

I hope you had a lovely Christmas and New Year.
We have a complete, fresh range of designers, creative’s, copywriters, animators, UX’s/IA’s and more to suit your needs, so please let me know what you require! These are very strong candidates, the majority of whom have worked for us previously for top Digital and Ad agencies and come highly recommended from their previous employers.
I look forward to finding you the right candidate.
Kind Regards,

Hi Cher,

Thanks for your email, I had an amazing Christmas, well I say amazing, but lots of bad things happened. I am totally over them now and not at all traumatised or anything. Once you have been sectioned by the mental health authorities nothing can scar you to that extent again.

I live in London but went home to Slovenia for Christmas, Obviously. Slovenia is, as everyone knows, populated almost entirely by wild dogs, man are they fast! I will spare you the details but will just say, yes they got into the arrivals lounge and yes i smashed my head falling down the escalators! Anyway, two days later and with only three functioning fingers I'm out of hospital and make it home to discover that my cold frame had burnt down. You know cold frames? They are like tiny greenhouses that you put vegetables in to protect them from the cold. An example of a vegetable is a swede.

I cried for three days about that cold frame. How it caught fire is beyond me, it was made of aluminium and glass. Neither of which are particularly flammable. I had some aluminium scissors once, they were great, i used to cut my sisters hair with them, not that she wanted me to. Aluminium is very soft and doesn't hold and edge so her hair always ended up clumpy and with dried blood in it. I used to call the style clumpesque. Sometimes i write her postcards and address them to "clumpy" but then i have them delivered to my house instead of hers. I am nice like that.

So anyway i made it back to London for new years and AGAIN forgot to organise anything. I couldn't organise a chimpanzee contestant in a competition that involved climbing out of a giant bath. I could do the paper work no problem, in spite of my dyslexia i can write in an elegant and robust manner when dealing with the meritocrats over at the department of filling in forms. My problem is more man management, I just don't know if i could motivate a monkey to climb out of some giant bath. I mean, why would he, unless he were drowning, in which case i would say just hold your breath until the water rises to the top and you fall out. And anyone can do that.

Thank you for your kind offer to send me workers. If i was building a pyramid or cathedral with a design based around the features of my face i would definitely take you up on it, how strong are they out of interest? I wouldn't have the animators though, they seem to go off so quickly, even when you wrap them in cling film and put them at the back of the fridge where all those droplets of moisture are.

Anyway I have CC'd my good acquaintance Gille Klabin. He may well need some of your talent in LA. I presume they are willing to travel. Everyone is willing to travel everywhere these days. I walked to Stoke Newington last year just to get some milk. I forgot what I wanted by the time i got there though and ended up sleeping rough under an old carpet in a skip.

I look forward to hearing from you soon, I want to hear all about your festive holidays.

All the best