Monday, 12 October 2009

Nightmare (1)

Lately I have been preoccupied with a disturbing thought. Imagine if you woke up one day and teeth had grown all over the roof of your mouth and under your tongue, completely filling the cavity in your mouth. Now imagine running your tongue over all of these teeth, brushing them with a tooth brush or poking them with your finger. You know that way that teeth are slightly numb? Imagine how that would feel all over the inside of your mouth. Thinking about it completely disgusts me, but I can't seem to stop. Gross.

Tuesday, 6 October 2009

Tiger Adopt

You Only Have To Ask

I really wanted Adobe Photoshop on my machine at work, turns out I just had to find a good enough reason. So I wrote this this and sent it to my creative directors:

1) All the other kids have Photoshop and they keep calling me a poverty stricken skank because I don’t have it.

2) I have not been able to forge as many documents recently as I would like to.

3) I get a terrible ache in my spleen if I spend too much time not Photoshopping stuff.

4) I am trying to woo a Finnish girl but she says the pictures I make in Microsoft paint are ridiculous.

5) I can’t keep screaming myself to sleep at night any more.

6) Mike has become increasingly irritated with me craning my neck into his screen and jabbing at it with my malformed fingers.

7) I have to make some invitations for my sisters wedding or she can’t get married. Literally.

8) My diabetes gets proportionally worse the less I use Photoshop.

9) My mum said I will have to kill and eat next doors dog if I don’t get it soon, it’s a Rottweiler.

10) I had a conversation with God in a dream where he mentioned something about grouping layers. (We were both wearing tiaras)

11) Photos of my head look infinitely more attractive when they are applied to other people’s bodies.

12) Photoshop is entirely free unless you pay for it.

13) There is a possibility that more work might get done if I have Photoshop.

14) I get stressed when I don’t use it, which means I pet rabbits far too hard while I’m trying to calm down.

15) My dad won’t talk to me unless I get it installed.

16) I have genuinely been a good boy this year.

17) No one will know about the prison bake sale unless I make the fliers.

18) Using the clone tool occasionally satisfies my lust for genetic experimentation.

19) My chiropractor agreed, eventually, that I need it. If it stops me calling him.

20) I need to use the colour dropper so I can co ordinate my wardrobe properly.

21) Using Photoshop distracts me from my massive sexual deficiencies.

22) I will stop putting digestive biscuits in my cd drive if I get it.

23) Using word makes my blood turn into acid and then orange squash.

24) Photo shopping for three to four minutes each day stops you getting polio and dysentery.

25) Those “One Laptop per Child” Kids have the entire Adobe creative suite. The swine’s.

26) I am legally required by the American district of Colombia to generate posters encouraging equestrianism.

27) Alexander Pope once said “For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.” A direct reference to using Photoshop.

28) An anagram of Adobe Photoshop is APE HOBO DOT POSH. A sort of great sounding website.

29) I created my own type font. I would like to see what it looks like.

30) Photoshop is not actually a shop, get over it already.

31) My brain smells like chlorine when I don’t use Photoshop.

32) Photoshop and its use forms the majority of the universal declaration of human rights.

33) I really want to make a picture of me as a peacock. In sepia.

34) Using Photoshop actually generates electricity for the national grid as opposed to using it.

35) I come from a long line of people who wanted to use Photoshop at work, my great Uncle Gerald wanted to Photoshop a lamp onto his head.

36) If I get Photoshop I won’t have to bathe in bleach any more.

37) People on the train whisper about the software on my computer without moving their lips, then they laugh while looking out of the window.

38) Mike got so annoyed with hearing me talk about not having Photoshop, he gave himself an ear infection.

39) As it stands, cutting myself with a rusty tin opener is just self harm, with Photoshop it could be art.

40) With Photoshop I can finally add myself into celebrities wills.

41) I ate about thirty metal keys and the only way to get them out is with Photoshop.

42) I can finish editing all of my facebook photo’s to make it look like I own an I-phone.

43) In the past I have called people who don’t have Photoshop “subhuman scum”. I stand by that comment.

44) I will never be able to find out exactly what kind of brown the dead moth on my ceiling is without it.

45) I was born with webbed fingers, how many more indignities must I suffer?

46) I have threatened to infect my local nature reserve with small pox if I don’t get it.

47) I am starting to develop multiple personalities for each version of Photoshop I don’t have.

48) When I look in my start menu, my heart sinks so low my stomach starts digesting it.

49) I swore a pact with Danny Dyer when we were at nursery school that he would become a cockney pin up and I would get Photoshop.

50) No amount of Spode pottery will take away the existential pain of not having Photoshop