Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Variations on a Notification

Have started a new blog making edited versions of the facebook notification icon. Check it out here.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Human Log Book.

I am trialling a new idea. A human log book is much like a car log book, you can look back and see details about a persons history, in particular their relationship history. I surveyed my ex girlfriends to see what they thought about me and what they would tell other people about me. The details are below, I have left the information as it was received:

Ex #1

No details received unfortunately.

Ex #2

What were you like as a person: you said not to sugar the pill so i'm not going to but don't hate me in return, ok! inconsiderate at times, aka cherry tomato in your pasta salad is forbidden so i'm going home and stamping all the way home in a paddy rather than picking them out and saying thanks for spending your time making that for me! quite a bad host when having somebody visit, aka "don't complain about the temperature of my house, that's just rude, don't come round if you don't like it"...so i never did again and having to wait for tea bag to offer me something to eat in an entire weekend hence living off pasties from a petrol garage in Guildford. Too Busy cleaning your room or having Sammy and Rache time to consider future owners -although Rache is very cool and nobody can blame anybody for wanting some Rache time otherwise i will beat em up, heee!. Otherwise Artistic, Musical, Creative and Quirky, funny, some what sociable, thoughtful when buying gifts, aka sketch book and water colour paints, however can be unreliable aka i am going to call in sick at work because i want to stay at Gille's a few more nights and i have forgotten my insulin but i am sure i'll be ok!! SILLY! Oh and you have a friend that copies everything you do, so future owners will have to expect a copyright called Sparky, heee! What would i have changed: you'd be more available, less reserved/secretive, less stubborn, more considerate, balance your spare time out more fairly. For future owners i would say nice enough and definately funny enough and easy to find something in common if you have any artistic interest however don't expect anything serious to come of it because he doesn't do serious.

Ex #3

General Maintenance: - An overview of general thoughts Sam is a nice boy and is a pleasure to be around. This is evidenced by the fact that we are still friends now. Overall Sam is a good boyfriend and comes with my highest recommendation. One especially good thing is that he’ll make you cool things like drawings, books, and spinny things, which is very nice. He is thoughtful, attentive and fun.

Problem Areas: - be honest * Can be a bit too quirky/odd - whilst sometimes it is endearing, it can be annoying * Occasionally goes really weird, eg refuses to accept a birthday gift. There is generally a reason behind it (not necessarily a logical one), but it can be hurtful.

Recommendations - tips for any future owners Please look after this boy and be nice to him.

Monday, 12 October 2009

Nightmare (1)

Lately I have been preoccupied with a disturbing thought. Imagine if you woke up one day and teeth had grown all over the roof of your mouth and under your tongue, completely filling the cavity in your mouth. Now imagine running your tongue over all of these teeth, brushing them with a tooth brush or poking them with your finger. You know that way that teeth are slightly numb? Imagine how that would feel all over the inside of your mouth. Thinking about it completely disgusts me, but I can't seem to stop. Gross.

Tuesday, 6 October 2009

Tiger Adopt

You Only Have To Ask

I really wanted Adobe Photoshop on my machine at work, turns out I just had to find a good enough reason. So I wrote this this and sent it to my creative directors:

1) All the other kids have Photoshop and they keep calling me a poverty stricken skank because I don’t have it.

2) I have not been able to forge as many documents recently as I would like to.

3) I get a terrible ache in my spleen if I spend too much time not Photoshopping stuff.

4) I am trying to woo a Finnish girl but she says the pictures I make in Microsoft paint are ridiculous.

5) I can’t keep screaming myself to sleep at night any more.

6) Mike has become increasingly irritated with me craning my neck into his screen and jabbing at it with my malformed fingers.

7) I have to make some invitations for my sisters wedding or she can’t get married. Literally.

8) My diabetes gets proportionally worse the less I use Photoshop.

9) My mum said I will have to kill and eat next doors dog if I don’t get it soon, it’s a Rottweiler.

10) I had a conversation with God in a dream where he mentioned something about grouping layers. (We were both wearing tiaras)

11) Photos of my head look infinitely more attractive when they are applied to other people’s bodies.

12) Photoshop is entirely free unless you pay for it.

13) There is a possibility that more work might get done if I have Photoshop.

14) I get stressed when I don’t use it, which means I pet rabbits far too hard while I’m trying to calm down.

15) My dad won’t talk to me unless I get it installed.

16) I have genuinely been a good boy this year.

17) No one will know about the prison bake sale unless I make the fliers.

18) Using the clone tool occasionally satisfies my lust for genetic experimentation.

19) My chiropractor agreed, eventually, that I need it. If it stops me calling him.

20) I need to use the colour dropper so I can co ordinate my wardrobe properly.

21) Using Photoshop distracts me from my massive sexual deficiencies.

22) I will stop putting digestive biscuits in my cd drive if I get it.

23) Using word makes my blood turn into acid and then orange squash.

24) Photo shopping for three to four minutes each day stops you getting polio and dysentery.

25) Those “One Laptop per Child” Kids have the entire Adobe creative suite. The swine’s.

26) I am legally required by the American district of Colombia to generate posters encouraging equestrianism.

27) Alexander Pope once said “For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.” A direct reference to using Photoshop.

28) An anagram of Adobe Photoshop is APE HOBO DOT POSH. A sort of great sounding website.

29) I created my own type font. I would like to see what it looks like.

30) Photoshop is not actually a shop, get over it already.

31) My brain smells like chlorine when I don’t use Photoshop.

32) Photoshop and its use forms the majority of the universal declaration of human rights.

33) I really want to make a picture of me as a peacock. In sepia.

34) Using Photoshop actually generates electricity for the national grid as opposed to using it.

35) I come from a long line of people who wanted to use Photoshop at work, my great Uncle Gerald wanted to Photoshop a lamp onto his head.

36) If I get Photoshop I won’t have to bathe in bleach any more.

37) People on the train whisper about the software on my computer without moving their lips, then they laugh while looking out of the window.

38) Mike got so annoyed with hearing me talk about not having Photoshop, he gave himself an ear infection.

39) As it stands, cutting myself with a rusty tin opener is just self harm, with Photoshop it could be art.

40) With Photoshop I can finally add myself into celebrities wills.

41) I ate about thirty metal keys and the only way to get them out is with Photoshop.

42) I can finish editing all of my facebook photo’s to make it look like I own an I-phone.

43) In the past I have called people who don’t have Photoshop “subhuman scum”. I stand by that comment.

44) I will never be able to find out exactly what kind of brown the dead moth on my ceiling is without it.

45) I was born with webbed fingers, how many more indignities must I suffer?

46) I have threatened to infect my local nature reserve with small pox if I don’t get it.

47) I am starting to develop multiple personalities for each version of Photoshop I don’t have.

48) When I look in my start menu, my heart sinks so low my stomach starts digesting it.

49) I swore a pact with Danny Dyer when we were at nursery school that he would become a cockney pin up and I would get Photoshop.

50) No amount of Spode pottery will take away the existential pain of not having Photoshop

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

One of those days

Sometimes you just need to say to your friend, "look, i really need you to ride with me on one of those giant turtles with wheels, and before you say anything about the bird on the string, i'll do it."

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

The day the earth stood still

In the history of human kind a cup of tea has never, ever, looked like a cup of coffee. Why would they? They exist entirely seperately, at opposite ends of the genetic beverage scale. Sometimes the unthinkable can happen.

On the 22nd of May 2009 the world changed forever, i knew no-one would believe me, so i took pictures. And to try and regain some stability in my life i drew up a drink/milk scale to substantiate how this unholy act could ever come about.

To the left is a cup of coffee, to the right, a cup of tea. No photoshop, no fake, no lie. I kid you not.

Saturday, 4 July 2009

New Patchwork Quilt

Made by my aunty, its super awesome!

Friday, 26 June 2009

Bed/Desk combo an unmitigated disaster

My future as a furnishings developer was left hanging in the balance last night after the catastrophic failure of the Bed/Desk development.

Initially intended as a multifunction device combining the comfort of a traditional king size bed and the structured workspace of a desk, the project now lies in ruins after a fourteenth consecutive sleepless night.

Earlier in the month concerns had been raised regarding the distinct lack of work accomplished whilst utilising the space, and the latest development looks to be the final nail in the coffin.

It's a disappointing end to an initiative that looked so promising early on, especially after the concept breakthrough which led to the change from a "desk that could be slept at" to a "bed which could be worked upon".

The doomed project failed to make it through any form of testing however as, fatally, it failed to achieve any of its goals, delivering instead an experience that made it virtually impossible to either sleep or work.

"Virtually impossible to either sleep or work"

Miniature American Lunchbox Arrival

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Ghost Cat

By Louise Dungate, for the people. (me)

Digital v Above The Line

Here are my emminantly quotable thoughts on the subject.

Thursday, 4 June 2009

Sam + Mike

When it's good, it's fun. When it's bad, it's funny.

Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Welcome to Watford

Watford is a funny place but by now i have started to feel a strange kind of affection for it. Above is my favourite feature of the town, i pass it most days on my way over to Mike's house. A completely naturally occurring stalactite of scum which resides in one of the many underpasses. I am not sure if there is any environmental protection to stop anyone removing it. I quite like the idea of taking people on tours down there in the evening, they look hideously beautiful in the fluorescent light.

Friday, 8 May 2009

Toast Musings

A lonely piece of toast will cook twice as fast as a piece that is toasted with a friend.
When chain toasting, the cooking time will reduce as the volume increases.
Higher quality butter melts quicker.
Sweet toast should always be consumed in even numbers, savoury in odd.
Fat fresh bread burns quickly, thin cheap bread burns quickly, find a happy medium.
Toast stacking reduces heat loss.
Perfectly cooked toast has its own distinct smell, allowing for blind toasting.
Toast tastes best when accompanied by a cup of tea.

Sunday, 22 March 2009

Graze

Look what turned up at my house last week! Yummy! You can tailor what comes in your graze box on their website and even have it sent to your work. I think its a great idea, costs about £3 a week and is a great way to get some healthy food inside you! Thanks Roxanne for setting me up with a free box. When i am gainfully employed i shall re commence deliveries! Check out their website www.graze.com

Saturday, 21 March 2009

Eurobob Squarepants

I very much love spongebob squarepants. Therefore i find it greatly distressing that plans are a foot to tamper with him beyond all human reason and understanding.

It has come to my attention that the German version of Spongebob is called Spongebob Schwamm Kopf. Fine you may think, until you realise that this translates into English as Spongebob Spongehead and not Spongebob Squarepants!

Yes, his head is a sponge but his head is also his body. And where is the mention of his square pants? How are German children supposed to comprehend the social/political connotations if they are not lavished with the correct naming conventions?

Thankfully the Italians seem to have the right idea, their version is called Spongeroberto squarepantalone which is, i think you will agree, a much better fit. I am not aware of any other mis-interpretations but would like to request that you email me if you find any. I would also like to issue the following linguistic recommendations for France and Denmark:

French = Bob l'eponge au pantalon carre.
Danish = Svampebob Firkant Buks.

If you have any spongebob translations for other countries can you send them to me. together we can beat this thing.

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Website finshed

Finally finished my website www.sambishop.co.uk 2 weeks from starting flash to finishing the site which is not too bad. I am also now a twitter-er. That's what i am calling myself anyway, turns out twitter is a never ending collection of facebook style "status updates" which is good really because i am obsessed by these things. You can follow me at http://twitter.com/sam_bishop. That's all for now, poor old blog is getting a bit neglected :(